Posted by: The Saffa Mom | November 25, 2011

Stick that broken heart back together

I am often comforted by the fact that I believe that God is with you when you die. He comes to fetch you. I can only imagine how comforting that must feel. How heavenly. His plan coming together.

When you take your own life, it was not a part of His plan, although God has known from forever that you would make that choice. It is quite difficult to comprehend this, and still try to figure out why He lets people make these choices.

Was God with Chris?  

We arranged his graduation ceremoney (the funeral) for a Saturday. It took a few hours before i realised that that same Saturday- 3rd September 2011, was exactly a year since we had celebrated my gran going home. I try to see that as only special! 

A lady was in my office a few weeks after my brother had gone Home (that belief is what pulls me through), and she said “when it is your time, it’s your time”.

BULLSHIT! Is that possibly the worst thing you can say to a suicide survivor? That can’t possibly be true ! That was not your time. You made it your time.

The hours rolled into days; the days rolled into weeks, and on Sunday we are at 3 months.

The tears have been countless, the heartache slowly bearable, and the valleys between me and my family members have grown deeper and wider. The split is more obvious, although the initial communication between the family was good. Tragedy brings people together. Then life happens. Sadly my feelings of ill ease towards my father have become greater (he was no longer a dad or a part of my brother’s life), as well as my sister (who wouldn’t remember having a decent conversation with my brother in a long time).

I am trying desperately hard to hide them, and have become somewhat of a master. My mom is also a part of that spilt, although I can’t shut her off to a large extent. Her world has crumbled all around, and I am one of the few pillars trying to keep it all together.

Once my brother was gone, she no  longer could find a reason to want to stay. He depression caused her to go into complete hibernation, and her addiction for pills became unbearably bad that she started coping hourly with prescription sleeping tablets. Day and night. She binged on alcohol at times and lost ALL control. It was difficult for me to grieve properly, when every hour I was worrying about whether another suicide was to follow.  

My mom eventually got help (after ultimatums became evident)and is on the right track. My sister became a pillar temporarily during that period, and has taken some emotional stress from my shoulders. My mom is now much stronger, although optimistic would not be a word in her vocabulary.

I guess we all have to move on with life. Stick our hearts back together. Wipe away the tears and find the things that make us happy. Live in those moments and forget about the fact that at some point we were not good enough. Or perhaps we were just not enough.

I will love you forever, to the ends of the earth and back. I will never know why, and I may never find comfort with that. I will regret the fact that I did not make more time for you. I will regret the fact that I did not show you how important you really were. I will regret the fact that that night, I did not kiss you in front of your friends that one last goodbye.

 Xx

To my friends reading this, I write this in the hope that it heals a part of me. I write this in case it heals someone else. I don’t write this for any other reason. I promise happy thoughts from here on.

xx

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Responses

  1. Happy thoughts are not expected until you feel them. They will come back one day, don’t force them. Grieving is part of the process.

    xxxxxxxxx

    • Thank you R. What I mean is that I can’t post about it every day. I don’t want you all feeling that this chick is wallowing in self pity. I want you to see the happy me. AND I don’t want to depress you with my sad story for too long. Xx

      Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

  2. Writing/talking it out can be a part of the healing process. I hope that I say this for all your readers. We are here for you through good and bad. We may only be blog friends but the main word there is friends. Whatever you write about and when you do I am here! My heart aches for you.
    Make sure you find good caring people to talk to. Who want to listen first, and have good advice second.

    • Thank you Harold!
      (Have been thinking about you, and think you shoudl go into a parenting blog. The fact is that you have done super super well on that friend, and too many times for me to actually imagine. I think that would be pretty awesome to post about)
      xx

  3. I haven’t been blogging for a while and thought I would stop by and say hi. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I agree with Harold up there and think that writing does help with the healing process. My thoughts are with you! (Hugs) Vickie

    • Thank you Vickie. I think one of teh only reasons why i am quit estrong, is because of everyone’s thoughts holding me up. I am in a happy place. xx


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