Posted by: The Saffa Mom | February 1, 2011

I trust that my EX is a good parent, but I may be wrong?

Quick foundation for all of those that haven’t spent anytime with me yet…. (BTW I hope you start)

I am divorced, and have been since My Princess was a little older than one. She is now 4 and a half, going on 21. It feels like we have lived seperately for a long time- I guess one of the main reasons why I think that is because I battle to remember my time with my EX. He was not a bad person, and our marriage was like any other- good and bad- we were just on very different levels to what we were when we first met 7 years before that… in completely opposite directions.  

I might add that once I left him, he either changed drastically for the worse, or I just saw a different side of him.

Since My Princess was 2, she has been seeing her dad everyday, from her school to my office, and twice a week she sleeps over at his house. It was, and is, so very important to me that they have a strong bond! And so they do.

I believe he is a good dad. (My Princess believes that he is superman.) That is fine.

You may have heard me talking about her step sister before, which is not entirely bad. They are not literally step sisters- but close enough. EX has been with HIS CHERRY for 3 and a half years, and the fact that she understands kids… can only be a positive. Right? A blessing in disguise.

Over the years I have begun to imagine how things work in THE EX’S home…..  It is very hard to get information out of a four year old, although now she is far more giving then her years before.

This is how my picture looks looked:
Since there is only one kiddies bedroom in their home, I have imagined that unfortunately My Princess has a guest in her bed 5 nights out of the 7. I have never been sure how long they have been living together, but I am sure about the fact that I never see EX alone, so it would only make sense.
I have imagined that the nights My Princess sleeps there, step sister sleeps at granny or her own dad- due to teh one bed scenario.
I have imagined that they possibly do spend some evenings together as My Princess has mentioned sharing a bed before. (Not happy about that, but it seemed to have been mentioned only once).
So being trying to be an eternal optimist- My Princess has a sister, and I don’t need to “um and ah” about her being an only child. I have a defense!!

My picture was VERY wrong, I discovered this yesterday (through actual conversation with EX)… And clearly am still trying to find my thoughts with regards.

This is the reality:
Step Sister does not live with them.
Step Sister lives with her granny, and sleeps in EX AND CHERRY’S HOME two nights a week.
Apparently her granny lives for Step sister (which a mom should really be doing- if you ask me).

What does this mean- that Step Sister sleeps in 3 different beds!!

How can that be construed as “okay”? Kids need stability. They need security. Perhaps this explains why she is such hard work at the moment… why she clings to My Princess when ever she can….. and why she has insecurity issues!  

I already worry so much about the fact that My Princess sleeps in two places during a week. I worry about her experiencing different rules and discipline methods in each home. I worry about whether she could possibly end up a drop out like so many other kids from seperated homes. I worry about teh times she goes to bed, and whether she has a story read to her at night. Flip man- I worry whether she actually brushes her teeth or not.

Although it really is none of my business, since STEP SISTER is not mu child, I made sure that EX heard my thoughts- clearly.

The thoughts I am left with…

I suddenly question EX’s parenting skills, and whether he can comprehend that sometimes kids are more important than a potential love affair. I now worry whether EX is a good DAD or NOT a GOOD DAD. I also feel very sorry for STEP SISTER who doesnt seem to have a place in this world.

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Responses

  1. Sad….very very sad.

    • IN actual fact i have lost a lot of respect for his Cherry now.
      xx

  2. it is worrying, however you provide a good stable loving base for your daughter, so that will stand her in good stead

  3. Wow Bokkie, you take on the worlds problems!! As long as step sister is loved to bits by someone, thats all that matters! It’s great the princess sees her daddy as superman, when she is older that changes. You and I no longer see our dads as superman. But as real men who fail like everyone else. All you can do is love, nurture and provide for princess the best you can. It’s up to her dad to do the same. If he fails, so be it, she has you to kiss her better 🙂

    • You are so right- my dad was Superman until Dec 2009.. then he losts his super powers.
      And yes, I will ALWAYS be there to kiss her better!
      xx

  4. You do what you do, Bokkie. Not much you can do about what happens in ‘the other home’ sorry to say.

    • You are so right. Just very dissapointed, and honestly feel that i have lost so much respect for them as parents.
      xx

  5. That might explain her behavior in school. If she knows that Princess gets to use HER bed at mommy/Ex’s house, she may be showing territorial issues. Are they both 4 years old?

    My nephew is an only child, about 3.5 years old now. He is extremely grabby with not only his cars and toys, but Big Brother’s toys too. While they played at grandma’s over holidays, nephew had to be removed from play by grandma several times. He just doesn’t listen to anybody, period. And his parents are together! So don’t worry about Princess, just stay focused on being a good parent yourself 🙂

    • Yes they are both 4. I think Logan thinks it is her bed because she was there first…… she chose the bedding etc when her dad moved out. In actual fact, I wonder if they both know when they each sleep there.
      I think STEP SISTER has territorial issues over her mother. Teh fact is that she has made a man more important. She must have a deep sense of insecurity around my EX.
      Stay focused on being a good mom. Stay focused on being a good mom.
      xx

  6. It is awful about Step Sister, and I can understand your concern. That is incredibly unstable situation for her, and really, perhaps, thankfully the Granny person is there for her.
    It is also true that being a good enough parent, is good enough. Perhaps Ex is good-enough. Not ideal I know for your Princess or for Step Sister, but enough. I suggest, that you work on the Day Story thing with your Princess every night for a while. You can do nothing about their house – except put your views forward, but for Princess you can at least give her the skills to make sense of it all later on. Take Care.


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