Posted by: The Saffa Mom | January 14, 2011

What’s that white dress in my cupboard for?

My knight was in one of those moods last night, in fact maybe I was too. One in which you just really do things to get a reaction. This meant that while I was reading Cinderella to my Princess, he found himself in her room every few minutes. I think he was bored and didn’t know quite what to do with himself. (Maybe he should start a blog. Or open a book and pretend to read!)

He came in a few times and managed to find something to give me stick about every time, and then would leave for a few minutes. One of those moments, in fact the last, he came in and asked My Princess if I (mama) should get another boyfriend. Her response was a predictable “no!”

I then asked “Why?”

“Because you and knight are getting married!”

“No, we not!”

“Yes you are! (Pause) Why have I got that beautiful dress in my cupboard?!”

A very similiar dress...picture stolen from spottygreenfrog.co.uk

The dress in question is a long white dress that I bought for her the week before the 8th of October 2010. It has some beadwork on the top, and is layered with chiffon flowing down to the floor, like a fairy princess dress. She has subsequently worn it a few times, one of those times being an angel for the Christmas Concert. I was hoping that she would have forgotten why we originally bought it. Clearly, too clever for that. I should be happy that she inherited my brains actually.

What happened? Why did the dress never fulfil its’ core role?

It is a long story, but perhaps it would be a little good for my soul to put into words.

It was July, my knight and I had been through a rough patch. In fact, so much that I had told him that I was done. It was easy to separate then.

We both had our OWN lives still. He had his home, and I had mine. He had his work, his things, and I had my work, my things! He has known from the very beginning of our relationship, which started head over heels, that that was the way it was going to be. We would only have OUR home, and OUR things when we got married, if in fact- WE DO EVER GET MARRIED! The possibility of getting marriad was not only a decision to be made for my good, but to be based on the relationship that My knight and My Princess shared. The two people I loved most in the world, needed to love each other. My knight never having kids, battled- even though we had been together since My Princess was one and a half years old.  He battled, she battled and sometimes it was just not worth having to put them together. Life was easier when they were separated. Simply said, being in my own home, was best. It created the stability that I needed to give the “joy of my life”.

But here we were, July, and now single. He was in Cape Town, I presume clearing his head and I was working in Johannesburg. It only took a few days for us to realise that we love each other, and even though we on this emotional rollercoaster at times, we can’t live without each other. More than anything, his time in Cape Town changed his entire outlook. He came home wanting to be an “us”, he came home on a high about “family and love” being the mere existence for our lives. God touched him again, in Cape Town.

God is the binding in our relationship, the foundation of us. Initially that was not so, I had been through some tough times where I could not reason why God would let bad things happen to good people… through the years it was easier to just not have to worry about whether God really did exist. When my Knight and I became an item, it was an issue, and over time he brought me back to God. So much so, that our entire relationship evolved. Yes, we lost the plot on occasion. It was difficult after never worrying about the plot initially. We repented, prayed for forgiveness, got back onto the horse, and rode in the direction we knew we had to!

Back to story.. ….July…….  Knight gets back from Cape Town, and “we need to get married! And we need to start our life! We need to start a family, and we need to be the partners to each other that we have always wanted.” I was a little overwhelmed. But t the same time, completely over the moon that my man had found such a beautiful vision. So of course, it was a “yes”.

Our Pastor started the pre-marital course with us, weekly . We were both divorced, we had experienced the painstaking  hard work a marriage can really be  is. We had both given up- before. This time round, God was our centre, and we were doing things RIGHT! I looked at my grandparents and their generation, the generations before. The divorce rate was almost non-existent. Clearly, they were doing something right! We were doing things the way they did things, and we were on track.

Wedding was being planned for the end of September, we never had a date-date yet.

Living in two different homes, there was quite a lot to do to become a family once we were married. We found a home that WE could share. (Our current home!) Out in the country. We fell in love with it, and hoped that we could fall in love with the lifestyle. My Knight would move in a month before I would. I had to give two months notice for the townhouse My Princess and I shared, so everything was planned around the end of September.

The closer we got to that time, the quicker we realised that we needed to take plans. I took charge. I decided that I would like to get married in our new home. It would be perfect. My knight loved the idea. (My original idea was to escape to an island paradise, and get married on the beach….. then too many people wanted to be there, and in fact we wanted most of them there too. Especially My Princess. So the change in plan was great.) I imagined Wedding Photo’s of us with our first home in the background, and realised how sentimental it could really be. The house would be draped, and the grass would be covered with scattered cushions. (How awesome would some of those pic’s have been: Henry with the bride and groom?)

Our guest list was small, nothing fancy- but I still wanted a white dress. I wanted an afternoon wedding, and wanted our guests to be able to pick on snacks for hours, while sipping wine and watching the sunset. The house would be draped the flowers minimal- but there. Red Ebony Long Stem Roses.

We decided to move the wedding a week forward.  I could then actually move in, and get the house organised before we entertained the people we loved most. Does anyone know how difficult it is to find space for two (actually three including My Princess) people’s whole homes, in one house! I also didn’t want any un-stability for My Princesses. Things had to be as smooth as possible. Date set- 8th October. It was a Friday! I was excited. I thought we all were.

The last week in September we started our move. (Horrible. I never ever want to move again!) It felt like forever! It took days to get My Princess settled in a new home, and during the here and back, our goldfish died. Those were our only pets (from OUR life), and My Princess was quite heartbroken. (To be honest- I wasn’t too fussed, I had spent way too much money and emotional energy on keeping those goldfish alive from the start.)

Saturday the 2nd of October, the brick hit! Not quite a brick, but it could have been. My knight confessed that he could not go ahead with the wedding. “Uhhhhhhhh? What do you mean you can’t go through with it?”

“I don’t know, I just don’t have peace.”

“You don’t have peace!!! You could have decided that a week ago!!!.Before I moved house!!!!…” That was all literally screamed out while sobbing…. I was a wreck. I lost the plot,  I screamed and shouted, I cried and sobbed. (I was grateful that My Princess was with her dad that morning.)

The next few days and weeks were tough. In my world there was no longer a point to our relationship. My knight could never give a clear answer as to what happened, in fact his answers changed every week. He had so many reasons. None made sense. I was filled with so many emotions, we were in the middle of a thunderstorm. (Or maybe only I was.)

I couldn’t move house, I JUST MOVED! 

My Princess knew nothing, she couldn’t. She was and is my life. I could not put her on my rollercoaster! In, out, up, down. I am sure every mom and dad out there can understand the emotions that I went through. 

My knight- not being a dad, didn’t. In his world this was a little hiccup, nothing serious. No change in our lives. We were still together, we were still in love, and I “would get over it.”

Everything changed in my world. My foundation of trust was shattered. Words now meant nothing. I felt worse than I did going through my divorce. The only reason why I was still in OUR THIS home was because of My Princess. Yes, I loved him, and of course I still do. But love is really not everything. Love was not keeping me there. Being a responsible mom was. I went from wanting to do everything the way that God wanted, to now sharing a bed with a man that can’t make love to me. 

It’s been months… it has taken months to get here. Words are thrown around in jest now about what happened. Family and friends (who were as confused as I was) do bring it up in conversation. My knight never really comments, only smiles. Never any real answers.

A couple of weeks ago, in the kitchen, busy, we were chatting and it just came out (of my mouth), no thoughts…… “yes you right. If you asked me to marry you tomorrow, I would say no”. My knight backed off like a defenceless pup, and topic disappeared.

He had been hurt.

He has no right to be hurt!!

I was only honest.

I love him, with all of my heart, and I cannot imagine my life without him. But marriage seems so very far away now. I cannot comprehend dropping my entire life again for a proposal. Putting my heart on a string, worn around his neck?

With this everything else too has changed. I no longer want to have a big family, I don’t want to fall pregnant, and I don’t want more kids. (I think you get my drift, i hav enow said it exactly three times, three different ways.) I don’t want to have to go through having to share my heart anymore than already shared. My walls have gone up, stronger and higher than ever before. I have become harder, and have lost most tact. And I have placed men into a pit in which I throw “generalisations” (Mindset wise.) Sounds like I have become a “complete cow” (If you thought that all along- perhaps some confirmation), but not really. I am just not “as giving” with this heart of mine, and now over-protective with any independence I have. 

I have also realised, more than ever, that I am responsible for one person, and only one. My Princess. She never chose to live in a broken home, she never chose to have two moms or two dads. She never chose this life… I chose it for her! So I will give her the best life that I possibly can. And she will never be able to say that anyone else has ever loved her more!

What do I call my knight in front of the world? I cannot call him my husband, or my fiancé. It feels too odd to call him my boyfriend, because it really is so much more! He has become my partner, my man! And every time I say those words, it feels odd. Only time will tell.   

For now, things are happy! I know that God would want us under two different roofs, but while in this house, we are following His rules. We have created a wonderful home in the country, a paradise to leave a busy city day too. My Princess is the happiest she has ever been, a grounded solid child. 

But……. I think she still wonders why she hasn’t worn her white dress to a wedding!

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Responses

  1. This made me incredibly sad, it echoes so much of the past 15 years of my life. Please think carefully if the situation is ‘good enough’ for you. You are young and beautiful, don’t waste your years ‘making do’.

    • Oh, it wasn’t mean’t to make anyone sad…just to give you a more real perspective on me. Get to knwo me better! Right now, it is all in God’s hands. He has a plan, and I will follow it. Dont mistake me, I still love this man, more than ever.
      Thanks for the thoughts though.
      xx
      PS. your last 15 years?

      • Well, yes … long story …

  2. What Cindy said. This made me feel sad and concerned for your future – you deserve the best, to be happy and to create the life for you – and your Princess – that brings you joy and fulfilment. You’re allowed that. It’s your right. And you’re SO worth it.
    Big hugs to you, precious bokkie
    Sunshine xx

    • Ah thanks sunshine….. I am not sad anymore. Time has healed. God takes everything and makes us bigger, stronger beings. Perhaps for a purpose. I have joy and fulfilment, so much. Just a different kind now. A protected kind.
      Big hugs right back sunshine.
      xx

  3. Wow.I would not have guessed that story based on some other of your posts I’ve read. Still, kudos for telling it (and writing so well, as you do).
    People often talk about building “walls” around their heart higher or stronger as only a bad thing. I think, if you recognize the true worth and value of your heart (and are happy with it) it only makes sense to want to protect it and keep it “safe”. Still (the flip side) you don’t ever want to give so much “power” to someone else that it defines you more, or in a way that isn’t natural. I’ve resisted “hardening” my heart because why should I let anyone/anything take it’s true nature from me?
    Let me mull this over. It may be the inspiration to hit “publish” on my own story (which prompted the blog but I still haven’t been able to share).Congratulations on getting it out there. Forward caution may be wise (comments from others) but you also seem to have good instincts. Follow them and be true to yourself and your Princess — and everything will work out as it should in its own time.
    # # #

    • Thank you Richard! We all have stories…. make us bigger, better, stronger! More interesting blogger- haha!
      God wants us to guard our hearts, He does not want us to get hurt easily….just like we want our kids to guard their hearts. We dont want people to be able to hurt our babies, we want them to be able to stand up for themselves and not fall easy prey to this world! Same thing- so i dont think it is a bad thing at all.
      Forward caution is the reason why i have never made any rash decisions, and really why we are in a good space again… perhaps also why i waited so long to post this.
      I am looking forward to your story now!!!
      xx

  4. I understand so completely. When thinking about what’s best for your girl, don’t discount what’s best for you. At the end of the day, you are her whole world too. My worry is you’ll be 40ish and angry at the choices you’ve made. I say that because that is my struggle. Even though our situations are different, it sucks living with the consequences of choices we make in our 20’s.
    xxxxxxxx

    • Ah Ed- I already live with so many consequences of bad choices…. my entire existence was based on my emotions for most of my life. I did what i felt like, in pursuit of being happy. That why was I got married, and then why I got divorced. For the sake of my happiness! If i look at how those decisions all panned out- I did so many selfish things for the sake of finding happiness. Would I have done things differently- change it all? Not sure, as the biggest baggage I carry is that little girl. Now that i know the love that is possible, of course I wouldn’t. My love for Logan has also shown me how God loves us. I think this is quite difficult for someone who does not have children to realise- how much that truly is.
      Is any relationship not hard work? Do you think there really is this greener grass out there, that never needs watering or weeding? I think every relationship will have trials, and every relationship will be hard work.
      I look at my father, who decided 33 years into his marriage, that it was all a mistake. His decision to leave for another woman was based on emotions, his happiness. He had justified it. On the other side of the equation- my once VERY close family shattered. I think i found that to be the most traumatic thing that i have ever had to deal with. Growing up, it was the last thing i ever imagined. Getting divorced, my dad- my best friend, stood by me- but did not agree with the decision i was making- the grass was not greener he said. Relationships were all hard work, and the same problems that you have now- you will probably have with someone else……. I guess my dad is testing that out now.
      My point being that emotions and feelings and “finding” happiness can actually get us into a big mess. We need to use our heads too. My littel girl can not believe that every relationship has an ending. (Her mom and dad, her gran and grandad, and now her mom and teh only other man she has ever know with her mom). That can not possibly be teaching her about making WISE decisions, but only emotional ones?
      For now i have peace, I am happy. That inner peace is the Holy Spirit, and for now- I listen. MY tone should have come across positively. I think that if i was not in a good space, i may never have been able to blog about it. I love this man! He loves me! Know that.
      Thank you for all your kind words my friend. You have made my WordPress experience (from the start) somthing to look forward to.
      xxxxx

      • And Ed- next Saturday I officially leave my 20s…..!
        So i am expecting us to have a blogger’s party!!!
        xx

        • Put on that white dress, crack open a bottle of red and I will toast your 30’s from here 🙂
          xxxxx
          peace is all that matters, happiness is perspective ❤

          • There we go!!!
            Time for you to be happy my friend!
            mmwaah.
            xx

  5. Thanks for sharing about a very personal situation. You’re right, that child should be (and clearly is) the most important person in your world right now. Lots of kids live in divorced homes (I don’t really like the word “broken”) these days and lots of them still have wonderful lives and are grounded and happy because the parents, step-parents, etc. understand as you do that the children are always the priority. And if marriage is not on the agenda yet, so be it… time will tell if that is the direction you guys should go. I have a female cousin who has been with the same guy for about 15 years, they don’t have a child in the mix, but they love each other to death, they travel, the have an incredibly fun and interesting life together, and they’ve never gotten married. We all live in different situations and circumstances and none of us is right or wrong. Nice post, maybe you can let the Princess wear the dress for some other event… I’m sure she would look beautiful in it!

    • I shared it because i was ready to, and have peace with everything that has happened. Thanks for your vote of confidence S.
      The Princess has already warn her dress a few times, and she looks absolutely precious.
      xx

  6. Just drop me a line bokkie and I will come and ‘rescue’ u and hurt him in way that won’t leave marks (u know what I mean – lol)….and I am in total agreement with u placing men in the same bucket….I am yet to meet a man I can take at face value that doesn’t have a hidden agenda or a man I can trust….my walls have a stunning colour on them, and I won’t knock them down – until God (the only man I trust) tells me to ….

    • Forgivesness is given and trust is earned. God wants us to forgive, but He does not say that we must trust as easily again! Only because He doesnt wantto see that hurt.
      I have Henry to look after me now, and if you see the teeth on him!!! Haha. Candice- all is well. I look after my self pretty well, and after My Princess better. (I already know those moves! Haha.)
      Have an awesome morning!
      xx

  7. I feel so close to you now. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. That is your best posting ever. It makes my so-called boring. I agree men are difficult. Mr. Bricks is single…just sayin’ 🙂

    Blessings,

    Ava
    xox

    • I guess i wanted you all to know me a little bit more deeply. It was a personal story, but i was ready to tell it.
      Best posting ever- dont know about that…..but thank you Ava.
      You could NEVER be boring! You’re a quick thinking, interesting listmaker!!!
      Mr Bricks is waiting for you!
      xx

      • Mr. Bricks waiting for me?? Are you on crack girl? I have a Sweetie and he doesn’t have any lazy eyes or eat at McDonald’s.

        Blessings,

        Ava
        xox

        • Was just having a laugh. Just from the way you describe him, I couldn’t imagine it.
          xx

  8. My dear! Words escape me… I completely agree with you about giving Princess the life she deserves and being the best mama to her! I told my divorced friend the same advice: be the best parent you can, that’s the best gift you have for your child! The same is true for married parents. We all need to pull up our socks and devote ourselves to better well-being, live life according to God! Last night I told Him that I no longer want to want to be a better mom – I will be a better mom through what I do. Guess my mama-soul needs more watering 😉

    • Yes- those kids are our responsibility. We need to give them security and love, we need to teach them manners and we need to educate them! And if we dont do those things, we will end up with so much more on our shoulders. God has entrusted us! And there is just so much joy that comes with it.
      xx

  9. Tough situation, tough post. Loved reading it and wonder what you will do in the long run. But I know one thing is certain. You were right to keep her the focus.

    • Think with my head, and then my heart. That way- I also create my happiness, instead of searching for it!
      xx

  10. I agree, what a tough, tough situation to be in. I completely understand why you would put your Princess first…though I don’t envy you the conflicting emotions of such a choice.

    • We cant plan everything. We can try. BUt instead sometimes we just need to keep that BIGGER picture insight. It doesnt always matter how we get there, if we need to take some side roads, or sand roads and make a few turns here and there….. we still have an end goal.
      My conflicting choices were made, by being patient, and not basing decisions on emotions.
      My posts tone was a happy one, or it should have been. I am in a good place, and i am on track! And i am in a relatiosnhip filled with love. In fact, our home is filled with love. Right now- that is important.
      xx

  11. It’s tough bringing your kids into a realtionship or getting into one with somebody that already has some…I’ve done it twice. You have some different views on what’s best or what should be done. You have to bend or breaks rules to keep everyobody happy. Good luck…wish you the best!

    • I dont think people realise when they start a relationship with kids on either side, how difficult it REALLY will be. There have been times where i have thought that being a completely single mom- just me and my Princess- woudl be so much simpler. (I think i stil think that).
      Even though relatiosnships are hard work, there is also the love that now fills our home, in 3 directions. That is important. And until you are there, you should not be moving in and out of houses. Kids need stability.
      Thansk for your comments.
      xx

  12. I seem to have my Gravatars,email addresses, and blog(s)? discombobulated(sp?)…
    I’m very impressed with the depth and concern of people leaving comments. You have a lot of caring/involved “fans”.
    Your post seems to have taken a lot of your readers by surprise (me included). The level of concern seems somehow out-of-sync with the sum of your reactons,commentary, and outlook (which sounds quite positive). Keep focus, perspective, optomism, and resolve. Onward!

    • You are right- I have a lot of caring and involved fans….. they all seem to have becoem friends in this community. Very difficult to explain to anyone how these communications all start to establish relationships hey?
      And yes, everyone seems to be worrying about me and feeling a sadness- that perhaps woudl have been great in October…… I have found peace, I am happy, and i am now a stronger woman.
      Onward!!!!
      xx

  13. […] cant have a puppy! Did anyone read my post yesterday….. I dont think I am quite ready for another […]

  14. I give you such respect for putting your daughter first! So many single moms I know spent all their time looking for a man and

  15. oops…sorry…hit the wrong button! Anyway, they forget the child they have at home who needs them more than ever. So, good for you!
    I can’t imagine why on earth your ‘knight’ changed his mind… makes me want to call him a jerk – but that’s not fair because I don’t know him! He did put you in a horrid position, tho, letting you move into that house just to be in an awkward position! Sheesh.
    I understand the walls, and the hurt, and the trust problems… I have them in my marriage. Some days I want to get in my car and just keep driving… but I also have a beautiful princess who loves her daddy the king, and I would never cause her hurt in that way! Keep leaning on the Lord, He gives us strength.

    • Oh and how much strength does He give us!
      I also see too many moms that have made rash decisions, which may not effect baby now- but eventually they do!
      Think with our heads, and not with our hearts.
      Besides, I love the man. And really can not imagine not having him as the other “major” part of my life.
      So perhaps it is all about praying that our relationship is able to move through all the rollercoaster motions without being scared enough to get off!
      Will keep you all up to date though. Thanks for visiting!
      xx


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