Posted by: The Saffa Mom | December 16, 2010

She is 4 and angry with God!

Our home is now approximately 25 minutes from any real civilisation….. it is absolute bliss. Every day we drive from the city (where all real life happens) to the country, and I feel like we have gone on holiday. (Once we actually did go away for a 3 night weekend, and after the first night we actually left- we didn’t even stay for breakfast).  

Initially I worried about the trip. I went from being 5 minutes away from home….(let’s pop home for lunch)…  20 minutes from a shop (make sure we have lists for the shop). My worry was not only myself and the drive, as I imagined for some reason being as frustrated as I would be in peak hour traffic, but for my princess. The fact is that she needs to have a pretty active imagination to spend an hour in the car everyday!!!

Silver lining……. time for us to bond. Time for us to play loud music. Time for us!!! Me and princess.

Let me do some pre-warning…. this post is not funny (And all my other posts are- right?).  

Yesterday, driving home- I happened to give one of the hawkers on the side of the street a Christmas Mince Pie. My princess had to ask why, and so we immersed ourselves into a discussion about giving, and the fact that we need to be good stewards with the things that God gives us.

Keep in mind she is 4. Sometimes I admit to speaking “way-over” her head, but I try to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Suddenly she says “with Nana”. “Yes, Nana is helping God make sure we show love to everyone”.

My mom, gran, and My princess

Her nana (my gran) was the matriarch of our family. Cancer took over (Terrible disease) and she passed away in Hospice in September this year. It was absolutely heart breaking. It was emotionally exhausting. And I still cry!!! (In fact, this whole year has been quite a mess.)   

“Mama, are you sad?” (about nana leaving us?)

“Yes, my baby, I am very sad.”

“Are you sad or are you cross?”

“I am sad.”

“Well, I am cross!” (KEEP IN MIND, SHE IS 4)


“Because I didn’t want God to steal my nana!”

I went into rambling about how “God didn’t steal her nana, and that she was now looking after us. She had done her job on earth, and she was waiting for us”.

No matter what I said, it did not change the anger I saw on my princess’s face in the rear view mirror. It did not change the fact that we will not see her again, or that she is now a memory that we need to keep alive.  A part of me was also filled with anger, and then a huge part of me was filled with sadness. God was clearly not in her good books.

In time, that will change. (Time heals everything.) We will still miss my gran, and we will still never understand why these things happen. But our sadness will go. (Keep telling myself this!!!)   

A good post is supposed to end with a lesson, something for you to take away….. this doesn’t have either.

Rather I have a question, “how do you explain death to a 4 year old?”  (When you battle to understand for yourself?) 




  1. It’s difficult enough to lose someone you love, without having to explain it all to a child. I’m sorry I have no answers…except, what you’ve already said: time will take you both through the mourning process and on to peace. Best wishes.

    • Thanks for that. Far easier said than done though…. i have peace that she is in a place we all long to be. My princess however may take longer before she truly realises what forever means. xx

  2. I was once told by a professional that you can try doing something for nana, something that would help with closure. Plant something. Create a piece of art. Or have your princess write/draw letters to her nana.
    I just lost a cousin to brain cancer yesterday, she had three children (who are teens now). I can’t imagine what they are going through right now, but I’m sure you do. It’s hard to hear of these tragic events while I’m 3000 miles from home.

    • That is terribly heart breaking. Poor kids, poor dad!!! Prayer, prayer and more prayer- that is all i can say. God does not cause these things to happen, but he is there to make teh situation best for us.
      Where is home Chef?

  3. I understand. My grandpa pass last year and that was the first time my kids saw me “distraught”. It has been a hard year for me as well. My son explained to his sister in a scientific way. Your soul is energy. The laws of physics tell us energy keeps moving. Therefore how can there not be someplace for the soul to go. So of course there is a heaven.

    • Ed- I have missed you!!! Of course there is a heaven…(love teh way your son came up with that).. and i must admit the thought does excite me!!!

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